DATING ADVICE FOR PEOPLE DATING NEEDING ADVICE


Monday, December 24, 2007

Happy Christmas

Have a very merry Christmas and a safe holiday-time from all here at Dear Bitter Guy.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Drinking too much not the problem...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

Hi. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and I think he drinks too much. He's an advertising rep and every day after work he has a drink with colleagues or clients. He also goes out on the weekends with his friends to socialize and always has a drink.

He never gets really drunk or stupid. He's never been nasty with it and he doesn't seem to have a problem if he doesn't drink in a day. He usually only has a beer or two or maybe a glass of wine. It's just that he drinks nearly every day. I'd like him to stop but he doesn't treat me bad or anything and I can't find a good reason for him to stop other than I want him to. But its got to be bad for his health? I'm not sure how to ask him to stop drinking or if I have a right to?

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Undoubtedly drinking too much can be bad for your health, but there's a more insidious and overlooked danger that your boyfriend needs to be aware of. Look at these startling facts:

High wine consuming nation: France.
Second only to Italy in wine consumption, the French have the second lowest heart disease occurrence of any nation.

Low wine consuming nation: Japan.
The Japanese consume the third lowest amount of wine of any country (USA being the lowest) and have the lowest occurrence of heart disease per capita.

Countries with higher than average incidents of heart disease: Ireland, New Zealand, UK, Australia and USA
All have incidents of heart disease greater than the world average of 102.9 per 100,000 people. Yet these nations vary greatly in their wine consumption.

The connection between these countries is their use of English as a national language.

Speaking English increases your chances of heart disease by an incredible 20%

Friday, December 21, 2007

How can I increase my sex drive?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I'm a 22 year old guy and I don't care about sex. Am I a freak? I have a few friends, I go to school and I work part-time. All my 'equipment' works ok, I just don't care about sex. Before you ask, I'm not gay because I care even less about sex with guys. My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating on her or using it all up on porn. What should I do - I really like her but I don't want to **** her. And I'm tired of going along with everybody and pretending that every woman in the world gives me a boner and that I should stick my **** in anything that has a hole. I'm sick of sex and I don't even have it, it's all you see in movies, on tv and even the internet. Am I the only person in the world that doesn't download porn?

I saw your post about how many trees a guy kills by whacking off. Do I need help with my sex drive or should I tell my girlfriend that I'm just environmentally friendly?

What should I do?

Mr Bitter guy says ...

Quit school and quit your job. Everyone knows that the stupid and unemployed have more babies than the educated and employed. And babies come from having sex!

Frustration led me to cheat on boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I was talking to this guy for about 4 1/2 months, dating you could call it. We both fell in love fast, faster than I expected. It was understood that even though we weren't in a "relationship," we knew what we could and couldn't do.

About 3 1/2 months into us "dating," I slept with someone else. The person I slept with was someone that I was just friends with, and that was it. Me and the person I was dating did not live in the same state. I am in college and he is back home.

I told him what I did the next day it happend, he ended up getting drunk and got into a car accident and was in the hospital for a week over what I did. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't under the influence of any drug. I did it because we had been having problems for a while, I couldn't get him to open up to me, he wouldn't take my feelings and how I felt into consideration. So I was frustrated and slept with someone else.

When I told, I told him because I was hurting and I couldn't believe that I did something like that. I felt bad and I knew I had made a mistake.

It has been about a week now, and the only thing that I am asking from him is that he give me a second chance to prove to him that I meant it when I told him I loved him.

I guess my question is to you is how do I get him to understand that what I did was a mistake and it won't ever happen again and what can I do to prove that to him?

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Firstly, he didn't end up in hospital because of what you did. He ended up in hospital because he was drunk. He may have got drunk because he was frustrated or upset, but getting drunk wasn't his only option to relieve this frustration. He could have, for example, slept with a friend like you did. Conversely, you could have got drunk and played "Which is harder: my head or a car?". Neither solution here is very well thought out.

Your answers lie in the dictionary. Talking is not dating. If it were, I'd have dated literally dozens of people and on occasion even my TV and the fridge. You may also like to look up the word 'relationship' which in this context would describe an emotional connection. You have an emotional connection with a guy who's being a cold fish.

Reading between the lines: The guy you're talking with doesn't want to get emotionally involved. You want an emotional relationship and he's leading you on. This isn't floating your boat so you jump on a friend's pork limousine and take a ride to Vindication City. Once there, you use this sexual excursion to get an emotional rise out of your unemotional boyfriend. Unfortunately, boyfriend gets drunk and plays super-highway-chicken rather than deal directly with his botherations. Now you're back to square one -- only this time with more problems.

More problems = more frustration = more fish/pork/chicken

This meat-melange is not good and will only lead to further constipation -- which is a word meaning a build up of a lot of stinking s**t. According to recent poll results, vegetarians' poop barely smells and they are more likely to get degrees. Polls also tell us that the divorce rate is lower in educated people.

Ergo; No fish/pork/chicken = less stinky crap = lasting relationship.

But, while you may swear to never touch another man's ham again, will he still remain the cold fish that drove you to the porcine-pounding in the first place?

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Milking the moose not resposible for Mr Bendy

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I'm 25 & have been masturbating nearly every day since I was about 10, now I look like a bannana.

How long should it take for using the other hand to correct this ?

Mr Bitter Guy Says ...

Presumably you're talking about the shape of your penis and not about your over-all demeanor.

If you're referring to the shape of Mr Percy, contrary to urban legend, beating the bishop does not cause penile curvature whether you're in the northern or southern hemisphere.

However, if you are indeed turning yellow and you're permanently hunched over, you have jaundice and need medical attention. Jaundice is rarely associated with basting your ham and no amount of left-handed ladling will cure it

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I want love ... but I'm overweight

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

Im a 21yr old African American overweight female. And I believe that my weight is the problem to everything. I can't find someone who will love me for me. I have a great personality which I've been told by many males but it never seems to go anywhere. I rarely dress very girly and im a home body. What should I do???

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Your problem doesn't lie with your weight. Queen Latifah and Oprah get plenty of man-action and neither are svelte ballerinas.

A quick Google search proves that sex appeal is directly proportionate to weight:

  • Search for "Fat sexy women" gives 439,000 high-calorie results
  • Search for "Thin sexy women" returns an anorexic 346,000 results
The biggest fallacy of dating is 'opposite attracts'. We're not magnets. If we were, all the watches in the world would stop and sailors would get lost at sea. We attract people similar to ourselves. You are currently attracting men who, like yourself, don't go out. The chances of meeting someone by 'not going out' are poor.
  • Search for "Going out and meeting someone" gives a crowd-pleasing 6,000 results
  • Search for "NOT going out and meeting someone" gives 0 results!
If you want to appeal to that special man, you gotta be hot. Dress to impress!
  • "Hot sexy clothing" results in 128,000 well-dressed, haute-couture occurrences
  • "Hot frumpy clothing" gives ONE lonely, sweaty, t-shirt of a result
So simply by going out and dressing well you can dramatically improve the chances of meeting that someone special. If you need further proof, here's what Google has to say:
  • Sexily dressed overweight woman goes out and meets someone = 17,000 score-laden, sheet-tearing results
  • Frumpily dressed overweight woman doesn't go out and meets someone = 18 'hope the mailman comes today' results
So while it is possible to meet a guy by staying at home dressed in your old running pants and a torn, sweat-stained t-shirt, your chances are increased by a factor of nearly 1,000 if you go out and dress pretty.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

What you need to know about dating nice guys ...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I'm an 18 year old PR assistant. I went to my works Christmas party on Saturday and met a very nice guy from another department whom I'd never seen before. We got on really well and talked for ages. We share many interests and it was good fun.

After a few drinks we started snogging and I noticed he had really bad breath. It was awful -- I mean REALLY bad. I nearly gagged. I put my reaction down to having too much to drink and left.

I'd love to see him again -- I just know we'd be so good together. He's already sent some flowers to my office with a lovely note asking if I was better. He's so sweet, but I can't get past the bad breath.

What should I do?

Mr Bitter Guy says...

There's a real warning sign here. You say he's a 'nice guy'. This is a no-no.

Nice guys lack one or both of the following: Self-confidence and/or the ability to make a decision.

When he says "I'll take you where-ever you'd like to go" he's really saying "I don't have a clue where to take you. You decide"

When he says "No, you look really good in that" it's because he doesn't have the balls to tell you you look like a bad Puerto Rican street whore.

You will never be able to rely on him or get a straight answer from him. Is this what you really want?

Nice guys are not nice. DO NOT LET HIM FOOL YOU.

As proof: his breath smells because there are too many brands of toothpaste for him to decide which one he should buy so he doesn't buy any.

Q.E.D.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

How to break-up with your boyfriend/girfriend ...

In response to the overwelming number of questions about HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND we hired a graphic artist to create these FREE break-up greeting cards.

Simply print your chosen design on letter-sized card, fold in half, write an amusing put-down and send it to your soon-to-be ex.

[Click on image to see full size]



[Click on image to see full size]


We originally wanted to use the design on the left, but our lawyers have advised it would be a federal crime to mail this.

WARNING: IF YOU MAIL THIS YOU ARE COMMITING A FEDERAL CRIME! DO NOT USE IT, YOU CAN BE ARRESTED AND IMPRISONED! IT IS DISPLAYED FOR REPRESENTATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Husband caught with pants down ...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I was going to work as usual but my car stalled about ten minutes away from my house. I couldn't get it restarted so I called my boss, told him I'd be late and walked home to call a mechanic. When I got home I found my husband and my neighbor making out on our couch. My neighbor is a 23 year old guy and my husband is 56.

We've been neighbours for 3 years and get on really well. He's such a nice young man, but I never suspected my husband was having an affair with him.

When I walked in on them, our neighbor looked shocked, as did my husband. He tried all the usual things like telling me it wasn't what it looked like, that he was just messing around, that it didn't mean anything.

I was shocked and upset. I didn't say a word. I just walked out and went to my best friend's house to calm down. When I returned home, my husband was in tears. He told me he'd been seeing our neighbor almost since he'd moved in and that they'd been sexually involved for almost two years. He told me he isn't gay, but later admitted that he's had 'feelings' for men since his late twenties.

He says he still loves me and that he is sexually attracted to me and I believe him. He says he'll end his affair with our neighbor and he really does seem upset. He says he's never had an affair before in our 20 years of marriage and that he wont do it again. But he cheated on me and it hurts. I know I can't give him what a man can give him but that doesn't make it right. I'm not sure I can trust him again and I feel insecure about myself, like I'm not enough for him and never have been. I feel like I've wasted 20 years of my life living a lie and I don't know what to do.

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

This is indeed a problem. Take a look at the idle control valve. You'll find it on the side of the throttle body which is connected to the air pipe from the air filter and the engine.

Unbolt that, take off the motor half and spray carb cleaner into the mechanical half. Once it's dried, put it all back together.

Oil and carbon deposits will likely have built up in the breather pipes so you'll want to clean them too.

Start your car and see if it runs without stalling. Hopefully this will do the trick. Nobody likes being late for work.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

How to get a girlfiend ...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I stumbled on your blog yesterday. Was wondering how I can get a girlfriend. I'm 16 and never had a date. All the girls at school think I'm a idiot. theres one girl who i like but she doesn't know i exist. Can you help me get a date?


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

This is a complex topic just like economics.

Economic rules are very simple:

1. Supply and demand
2. Brand recognition
3. Product quality

Supply and demand:

Everyone knows that there are 5 guys chasing every pretty woman. Go to any office, bar or library (or classroom) and I can guarantee that where there's an attractive young filly you'll find two jocks, a skater, a geek and the other guy that hangs out with the geek, all vying for her attention. Supply is high and demand is low -- this is not good for business. Only one of these guys will score with her, unless she's a slut in which case many or all will score. Either way you'll be waiting.

According to a recent poll 23% of girls consider themselves attractive.

If we accept these numbers, that means that 23% of the female US population are attracting 5 men each which accounts for 177 million men (20 million more men than really exist!).

That leaves 160 million ugly ducklings with nary a gander in sight. And even when we cull the top 20 and lower 20% due to age that still leaves us with a lot of American Moose.

Pick the ugliest chick you can find. That's a much better supply to demand ratio.

A similar poll reveals that less than 1% of girls considered themselves sluts. The awful truth is the real figure is much higher.

Brand recognition:

Companies spend a fortune on branding. Coca-Cola has used the same logo for well over 100 years and got Santa to wear their corporate colors. Take a leaf out of Santas book: wear the same clothes EVERY DAY. You're sure to get noticed.

Product quality:

Remember, ugly women are as desperate as you. Quality is for choosers not losers.

Finally, if none of this works do what big businesses do and throw cash at the problem. Filipino brides are still inexpensive (from as little as $1500 used) and many websites offer 'buy one, get one free'.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

How do I stop my boyfriend watching porn?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

Hi,

My boyfriend recently got broadband and now I think he's addicted to internet porn. He used to do it before, but not as bad as this. He's filled three hard-drives with the stuff AND gone through a 50 pack of DVDs in three weeks. He never stops. It all he does all day. its starting to upset me.

Is it natural for a man to watch porn so much? Ami being silly? Can I stop him?


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

If you consider an average HD is 80GB and 50 DVDs is about 200GB total ... that works out at an amazing 450GB of porn in three weeks! That's equivalent to 21 gigs per day!

Assuming it's high quality movie and sound, it works out that 1GB of data is equivalent to 1 hour's viewing. That's 21 hours of footage to watch per day. Does he have a job? Or shower? Or eat or sleep ... ? This man is a monster!

Or if he's saving it up to watch for when he's 'in the mood', based on a conservative 4-minute durational average for male monkey-spanking, he'll have enough for 6,750 pleasurable pickle-paddling, gherkin-jerkin moments.

Given that, on average, a man will choke the chicken 20 times per month this stash-o-sluts should provide for him an amazing 337.5 months of pony smacking. That's more than 28 years worth.

Or to put it another way that's 18 gallons (144 pints) of man-goo, needing 13,500 kleenex tissues (80 boxes) to wipe it all up. That's the equivalent of 1/8 of a tree's worth of wood (approx 74,000 cubic inches or 45 cubic feet). Your boyfriend is 'single-handedly' depriving the world of enough wood to make 15 rocking chairs!

As an interesting aside, in the lifetime of all the guys in America, based on your boyfriends habits, they would be jointly responsible for the felling of 37,500,000 trees due to their ejaculatory habits -- thats enough trees to forest 300 square miles, an area similar in size to New York City!

That's a lot of wood.

So I implore all the women in America to think about the environment.

Save a tree. Swallow.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, try rubbing poison ivy on his keyboard. If he answers the bone-a-phone while one-handedly surfing, his flute solo will quickly turn into a dangley-dirge.

How to ditch your girlfriend ...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I read your post yesterday about ditching your boyfriend. How about a how-to for us guys?

Thanks


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Try one or all of these. Say in a casual tone:

"Did you shorten the chain on your necklace or are your breasts drooping?"

"I think your dress must have shrunk"

"No, let's keep the lights off"

"That's not how my ex did it"


If those don't work, simply use the same technique for "How to dump your boyfriend".

For added effect, keep the recipient's name as Simon.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

How to break up with your boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

i've been going out with the same guy for 18 months and hes really dull. we dont do nothing any more and he lost his job and its just the same old same old all the time. we dont have sex often and when we do its quick and i rarely enjoy it.

i just met a guy at work thats really nice but i dont want to cheat on my boyfriend so i need to dump him so i can see this really nice guy at work

what should i do?

Mr Bitter Guy says:

Dumping your boyfriend is difficult even if there's a good reason. In your case you want to ditch him just because you're bored of him. This isn't a very nice thing to do, but there is a tried and trusted method to not only end the relationship, but also have HIM end it, saving you a whole bunch of trouble.

Simply, pretend you went on a date with some guy and 'accidentally' email your thank-you-for-a-good-time email to your current boyfriend. He'll think you're two-timing him and dump you.

To save time, I've included a prewritten email that you can simply copy and paste. It'll appear you went on a fairly innocent first-date to see a concert. But it should be enough to start a huge argument that'll result in the end of your relationship.

This technique works 99.9% of the time, unless your boyfriend's name is Simon.

Dear Simon,

I was very grateful that you asked me to the concert last night. I had a wonderful time and you were very, very attentive.

The backstage access was especially pleasing. I thoroughly enjoyed you trying to sneak in the back door. It was so illicit. Your attempts to gain entry were incredibly inventive. I know it was difficult getting in but once you'd slipped inside I couldn't help but come with you.

I was amazed that you got those guys to play with each other for us. And when you started to play with them I was beside myself. What you did with Jeff's organ
was mind-blowing. I thought you'd just use one or two fingers, but when you started using both hands I just couldn't sit still .

I'll never forget the look on Neil's face when you started blowing his trumpet after you'd finished with Jeff's organ. You may have spat too much as he had to wipe it off before he'd let me have a go.

What a wonderful night!

Your little backdoor accomplice

Make sure you stay out the night before you send it to add to the effect.


He makes me feel cheap during sex


Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

During sex my new boyfriend wants me to tell him how much I want to sleep with other men. It turns him on when I describe in detail how i'd like to f*** them. He want's every detail. how i'd lick them and suck them. what position i'd be in. how many men i'd do at one time.

He's really nice in all other ways, but this is making me feel really cheap. What should I do?

Mr Bitter Guy says:

When you finish making love next tell him you want the $20 now and if he doesn't pay he'll have to deal with Papa Cubetastic da Ice Masta.

When he asks why, you say "Well if you don't pay me my pimp is gonna beat me again and then he's gonna coming looking for you".

He will get the point that you feel like a whore and this will start a conversation where you tell him you're uncomfortable with things and he tells you that he's sorry and won't do it again.

As a bonus he might also let you keep the 20 bucks.

Friday, December 7, 2007

How to increase the size of your member

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I'm embarrassed by the size of my ****. I've got a new girlfriend and we're getting closer and we're prolly gonna have sex soon but my **** is soooo small I'm afraid she's gonna laugh at me.

What is the best way of making it larger? Pills?

Thanks


Mr Bitter Guy Says:

This is of course the perennial male question, probably asked more often than "Who's better, the Beatles or the Stones?". Fortunately the answer is simple. The Stones.

Allegedly, both of these groups used pills.

The good news is you don't need to resort to drugs or surgery nor complicated weights, pulleys and vacuums to enlarge your member. I'm about to show you a fool proof method, discovered around the 12th century but used to it's best effect during the Renaisance by the likes of Michelangelo and Da Vinci. It's guaranteed to impress you soon-to-be-lover and dramatically increase the size of your love-rocket. Turn that tiny sapling into a towering man-oak.

Before

Just to prove it's a real banana, here's The Answer Chick (my beautiful assistant) with a real banana, standing somewhere in the PA wilderness. Note it is not a trick banana. Note it's proportions. And note the oak tree behind it.

Doesn't the banana look tiny.

I'd be embarrassed if this was my banana.






After
Now the banana is massive. It's almost as big as the oak. This has nothing to do with pills or lasers.

That's a banana any man would be proud of.

And you can apply the same technique to Mr Tiny.

How to swear appropriately

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I'm a 23 year old guy from Tulsa. I work in a car salsroom as a salesman and I'm usually ok at it. I could be better though. My problem is I've got a potty mouth and cuss sometimes while I'm pitching my customers. The worst was when I told this guy he really needed to "buy the ******* chrysler because its a ******* *****" and he'd be a ****-**** if he didn't buy it.

He told my manager who tore me a new one. This is my 3rd warning. If I get another he's going to fire me. I swear most when I get excited. I cant control my language.

This is ruining my job. Any ideas?



Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Bad language has its place. It can be used for comedic effect, as an emphasis or as an utterance of shock.

However, for best effect bad language should be used sparingly and never over the dinner table. In polite society, swearing ettiquette is the same as wearing brown shoes and is regarded by many as being distasteful except in rare cicumstances i.e only when dressed casually in light or neutral polyester trousers and only before 6 p.m.

However, you may be suffering from Tourette's Syndrome. Here's a simple test:

Look at the following two pictures. One should illicit a cuss-response, one shouldn't. If both pictures make you swear then you've got Tourettes and need professional help.



Hope this helps.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Leaky plumbing ruining my relationship


Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

Hello. I am 47, divorced and male. I have a 67 year-old lady-friend whom I love very much. We have been seeing each other for almsot 9 years and we have enjoyed some great sex during that time.

However, she's recently had bladder and waterworks problems which haven't helped our love-life.

I'm starting to feel the need to meet a younger lady and have some more kids.

Would be better to stay with my ladyfriend or try to meet someone younger?


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Dude, do your ladyfriend a favor and leave her. You don't deserve her: the first signs of trouble and you're bailing like a rat from a sinking ship. She deserves to be with someone who'll love and respect her for who she is -- irregardless of whether she's got waterwork problems or not.How'd you like it if someone wouldn't date you because you were bald?

That's shallower than any puddle a leaky pipe could cause.

How can I improve my **** ***?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy.

I'm 23, pretty and want to give my boyfriend the best **** he's ever had. Any tips?

Thank you Mr Bitter Guy!


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Get another pretty, 23-year-old to join in

My boyfriend keeps seeing strippers

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

Please can you help me?

I've been going out with my guy for 5 years, he went to amsterdam 1 year ago and saw a sex show and went to see strippers.

When he came back i told him i was really upset that he felt he need to go watch girls take their clothes off and have sex with each other when he has a girl at home.

i made his life hell in the following weeks and since our sex life has gone down hill.

im a size 12 and men fancy me and chat me up but Im insecure about myself. i dont think men think im ugly, Anyway my guy went to amsterdam again last week and went to see strippers and he come home and told me.

i was really mad and it makes me feel even more insecure about my body and as soon as something comes on the TV about strippers i feel bad

am i paranoid? i dont know wether to stay with him or leave him hes broke my trust and i dont know if it can be repaired. Im 28 years old , Is this just a man thing or should i be more grown up?

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

To most guys, girls are like fast cars. We want to ride them hard, park them up and then try another. Most fast cars are very expensive, so guys just dream about fast cars. Or watch them drive past on the highway. And most of us don't want a dozen of them because of the headache of up-keep. But it doesn't stop us looking or wishing.

The problem with fast cars is they generally don't have much luggage room, boot space or have lousy gas consumption. You need to fit your golf clubs in the trunk with little effort. This makes fast cars impractical for every day cars.

So as long as your boyfriend is only on the forecourt gazing longingly at the Aston Martins it's perfectly natural and OK. If he wasn't looking, then I'd be very worried. If he was stoking and carressing and licking them I'd be worried.

This really isn't about you. He tells you all about it, he's not ashamed and he's open about it which means you've got a special place in his garage. Tell him it upsets you, but try to see it from his point of view: Your the one he rides. Give him the chance to fill you up with gas, get some new spoilers. Go to the pump and get some high-octane love-fuel.

If you don't act, he may well think you're broken and trade you in for something new.

I want to give my boyfriend some ******* ****


Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I ****** enjoy giving my boyfriend ****. I just love ******* his **** *****, ******* his **** and ******* on the *** until he ******** in my *****. I love the ***** of his ***. I even love the ***** of my ***** ***** on his **** after he's ****** me. I just can't get ****** **** in my *****.

Now he's asked me to **** his ***. I'd never thought of doing it before, but it ***** ** *** just thinking about it. Running my ***** from one end of his **** **** round his ***** and ******** him ****** in his ******* while ******* his **** with my ****, then ******** my *** back up to his **** to ******* his *** *****.

My question is -- is it hygenic?


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

That's a very colorful decription. And yes it is ok as long as he washes himself thoroughly.I'd suggest going to you local home-brew shop and picking up a bottle brush. They're ideal for anal-hygeine and impart quite a thrill in themselves (or so I'm told).They come in a variety of lengths, girths and stiffnesses. Some are even bent so you can clean around the rim, which might be appropriate.Do not use harsh or abbrassive cleaning products. They will leave a mark. I'd suggest something with a citrus tang. Have fun.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I got drunk and cheated on my boyfriend


Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

im going out with this boy for 3 mnths and i love him

but i got drunk and was all over this other boy so i got 2 boyfriends but i love the one ive been going out with for 3 months more

i feel real bad and dont no what to do



Mr Bitter Guy says ...

If I got a penny for every letter about "I got drunk and did something stupid" I'd have $6.37

First off, I gotta ask whether you're even old enough to drink? Seems like you're a young'un.

If you're not old enough to drink, you're not old enough to be in a serious relationship. After all that's how serious relationships start -- by drinking too much.

Ok. Enough tom-foolery. Easy answers here.I'm sure we've all let things get out of hand after a few beers. I could tell you a story about the time I ended up naked in a field with only a bottle of wine, an office stapler and a note duct-taped to my back which read "My name is Mandy -- be nice to me" -- but I'll leave that for another day.

Anyway, if you want to carry on seeing your first boyfriend, don't tell him what you did. Ditch the second boyfriend -- tell Dude no.2 you were drunk and shouldn't have been so naughty. And never ever, ever cheat again.

If you want to carry on seeing the second guy, you'll have to ditch Dude No.1 but don't tell the second guy anything. And don't ever, ever cheat again.

Now it might seem like I'm advocating lying but the fact of the matter is, if this is an honest mistake, then you'll serve no-one's interests by being open about it. What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't mind.

As punishment, you'll live with this guilt for the rest of your life, which is far better than you having to live with this guilt for the rest of your life AND ruining someone else's life in the process.

Don't do it again.

I enjoy hurting men's *******

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

Is it wrong? It just arouses me so much. I'm a 28 year old woman and have been single for the past three years. After a date or two I end up in bed with the guy and everything is fine the first couple of times. But then I feel the need to scratch or bite his *****. Or squeeze it until he yells.

My last boyfriend asked me to stop, but I couldn't. I scratched him so hard it tore the skin on his ****. He called me a freak and left. He won't return my calls now.

Am I normal or is this just wrong?

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Let me answer this by asking you a simple question: Is it wrong to stick a needle in a dogs ear?If you answered 'yes' then read on.If you answered 'no' then you need some serious help because you're a complete fruitloop.

This is a dominance issue. You like the power, probably because you feel like you have no power in other areas of your life. Take stock of the rest of your life and see where you feel inadequate and take steps to be more assertive there.

With a bit of time you should feel your tackle-trashing urges diminsh.If they don't then you'll probably enjoy a bit of BDSM so go out, buy a gimp suit, a bag of oranges, some hairspray (don't forget the talcum powder for the gimp suit) and start calling yourself Mistress Ball Crusher.

Then find yourself a man who has a thing for having his testicles battered.

Good Luck, Mistress Ball Crusher.

I'm going on a blind date ...


... Any suggestions?

Thanks Mr Bitter Guy!!!







Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Aside from the usual (tell everyone where you're going, meet in a public place yada, yada) wear clean underwear, clean clothes and brush your teeth (if you have any).

If you're a guy, trim your 70's porn moustache.

If you're a girl, trim also your moustache.

Don't talk about why you miss your ex-gitlfriend/boyfriend, why your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend was such a tool or how miserable your life is now he/she left but you think you might be over it. You're there to get a new boyfriend/girlfriend. The last thing your prospective partner will want to hear is how great/miserable/boring your ex is. It's about you and the person you're meeting. Not anyone else.

Talk and listen and respond accordingly. Be happy -- smiling is the best thing anyone can do ever.

Relax -- it's not a job interview.

Don't get horrendously drunk -- you'll forget everything the other person said and end up vommiting in their beer/lap/bed/aquarium and that'll make the second date difficult.

One final tip, arrange to meet outside the cafe/bar/theatre you intend to have the date at. Wait down the street on the opposite side so you can see the entrance. When your date turns up you'll be able to see if he/she is a horny, little minx or a delicious, rippling stud-muffin. If they're butt-ugly you can walk away with no embarrassment. The mere fact that you stood them up on your first date will ensure they have nothing to do with you ever again. Unless they're a freak, which they might be if they're that ugly.

So my final, final tip is to use a friends cell phone so that you never have to give out your own number.

Good luck on your blind date and have fun!

My girlfriend's lesbian fling


Dear Mr Bitter Guy

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over 5 years. She's 23 and I'm 22. We met at school years before and were real close, but never got together until we were 18. She always said that she didn't want to get serious until she was grown up.

I had to go to visit my family for Thanksgiving. She visited hers. We were seperated for about a week. When I got back, she told me that she'd got very drunk and had made a pass at cousin's fiance.

They ended up in bed together, making love for hours, she told me. She said it was so different to how we make love and that she wanted to do it again. She says there's room in her life for two lovers, one being a man, the other being a woman.

I was going to propose to her this Christmas. Now, I don't know what to do?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I had sex with my business partner's girlfriend


Dear Mr Bitter Guy

I run a small IT business with my friend. We've been working together for a few years and have known each other since we were in college. I'm 28 and not been in a relationship for some time -- he's 29 and been dating this girl for two years.

But he treats her like crap. The last straw was a few nights ago when me and him were in a bar and he pulled some chick. The two of them left early but he forgot his phone. I took it with me to give to him at work the next day.

His girlfriend's a really nice girl. I've known her for a couple of years and she's hoping to marry my friend. He's promised her that he's going to take her on holiday to Florida next summer. She told me that she thinks he's going to propose there and she's very excited.

But how can she even date this guy, let alone marry him?

When I got back to my apartment I tried calling his house to tell him I had his phone, but he wasn't there. I sat around for a while thinking about it all, then decided I'd get his girlfriend's number from his phone and tell her everything that was going on.

She told me to come around and I arrived and told her everything. She started crying. I held her in my arms and she looked up at me and I kissed her. She kissed me back. It felt wonderful. One thing led to aother and before either of us knew it, we were in bed having the best sex of our lives.

she thanked me for telling her afterwards and I left to go home.

The problem is that she told her boyfriend -- my friend and business partner -- what happened! They've split up, but I don't want to lose my business, or my friend. What should I do?

My Boyfriend says I'm Fat


Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years and I thought we got on real well but recently we've not been having sex. In fact he's not even kissed me in 2 months! I confronted him yesterday about it and he told me he doesn't find me attractive any more and told me I was fat. I'm not fat. I'm 153lbs and 5'4. But now he's saying he's going to leave me. What should I do?

Ask the Bitter Guy ...

If you want to get advice from the Bitter Guy about a relationship, love-life or personal problem, just add your question as a comment to this post.

Comments/Questions are automatically forwarded to the Bitter Guy to answer. Check back in a day or two -- maybe even sooner -- to find out what he's got to say about your problem.