Comparative analysis shows that drinking beer raises your IQ

Dear Mr. Bitter Guy,

I have never done this before, I feel kind of stupid emailing a stranger with something that is so personal, but I am in need of some advice.

So I just tell you the problem yeah?

Well I was dating this guy for around 4 months, our relationship had always been challenging since he went to University in Preston which around about a 4 hour drive from where I live, but this only made are relationship stronger and made us realize that even though we were apart are feelings still remained the same.

In November he told me he loved me, I had never said these words to anyone else before so I took my time to say them back so when I did I really did mean them, so early December I told him that I really did love him, this made December a hard month to get through, but he came home and I got to see him again and everything was amazing, we were both swept off are feet seeing each other again and everything was pretty much perfect. We started talking about committing to each other and being in a real relationship but we still needed time.

So New Years eve he went to Bristol with his friends, I had nothing against this since I was out with my friends as well, but never the less I missed him and found that it was having a profound effect on my night, I kept thinking about him and it was really depressing me, so I decided to get so drunk I couldn’t think at all.

This was the first mistake, I got so drunk that when some guy started coming on to me, i had no mind or body strength to push them away, I ended up kissing him and then with everything i had left in me a ran into the girls toilets, i was so upset and heartbroken with what i had done i rang my guy and told him that i had kissed someone, the thing was he had just been bigging me up to all his friends saying how amazing i was and how much he loved me, so not only did i hurt him i embarrassed him in front of his best friends. I tried to tell him i was sorry but my phone battery ran out, when i got home in the morning i had one txt off him saying “i loved you”.

New Year’s Day i told him what had happened but it didn’t change the way he felt, i wrecked him and i could only blame myself and he could only blame me. I did everything i could to try and get him back, did the romantic thing of running all the way to see him waiting in the freezing cold for him but all i got back was a “I don’t trust you”.

So he went back to university and he sent me an email saying that he wanted to hate me but couldn’t he wants to be on his own right now and wants to just be friends for now with me. I found being his friend hard. I had so many feeling for him, speaking to him as a friend hurt.

So a week ago he sent me a txt saying he missed me, and that i was beautiful and he sent a video of two people making up, so this gave me the impression he wanted me back but in the week then he was totally blank with me and awkward. This hurt me so much, i feel like I’m hanging on to something which might have already let me go. So i told him how i felt and he said that he does still have feelings for me but the last memory he has of me was kissing someone and t blurred out all the good memories so he doesn’t want to make me wait for him he told me i should move on, and this is my problem, i can’t let go of him, i can’t move on, but i can’t be his friend and wait around either

What should I do?

Mr Bitter Guy Says:

Ah. The old "I got drunk routine". People use that excuse for so many things:" I got drunk and cheated", "I got drunk and said some stupid things", "I got drunk, burnt your house down, slept with your wife and drowned your cat. Ooops."

Really people, getting drunk is not an excuse. William Burroughs once said "drugs don't make you do anything that you wouldn't normally do, they just help you on the way", to paraphrase. And that's something coming from him. (If you don't know who Burroughs is he makes the music industry look like kindergarten as far as drug use is concerned. The man was a walking pin-cushion).

From a medical paper: Generally small amounts of alcohol produce lowered inhibitions, feelings of relaxation, more self confidence, diminished judgement, reduced attention span, and slight incoordination.

Nowhere does it mention drinking makes you stupid. It diminishes your judgement, yes, but 'diminishes' doesn't mean your moral or ethical decision making functions are completely left by the wayside.

In fact drinking makes you more intelligent.

Below are countries listed in order of their alcohol consuption

Highest alcohol consumption per capita
Alcohol Consumption Rank	Country	Average National IQ
1	Luxembourg	101
2	Hungary	99
3	Ireland	93
4	Czeck Republic	97
5	Germany	102
6	France	98
7	Portugal	95
8	Spain	99
9	Britain	100
10	Denmark	98
AVERAGE IQ		98
Lowest alcohol consumption per capita
Alcohol Consumption Rank	Country	Average National IQ
23	Sweden	101
24	Chile	93
25	Venezuela	88
26	South Africa	72
27	Thailand	91
28	Brazil	87
29	Colombia	88
30	China	100
31	Taiwan	104
32	Mexico	87
AVERAGE IQ		91

We can clearly see that the countries that consume more alcohol have a higher average IQ -- proof that drinking makes you clever.

You have no excuse!


The Answer Chick Says:

It seems you've learnt your lesson. It's just a shame you had to learn it the way you did. Your boyfriend is going through a lot at the moment and will be very confused. From his point of view he was betrayed by the most important person in his life. It'll take a while for him to understand why and to find a way to deal with it.

The pair of you seemed like you were on the right track to a good solid relationship. It appears that you both care for each other a lot and it would be a shame if this one moment of stupidity would spoil everything. Unfortunately, it may be the case that this one action may well be the end of everything.

If you seriously want to reconcile things with him, you have to understand that what you did was wrong and accept responsibility for your actions. That means you have to win back his trust -- and that will be a long and hard road to travel, but no longer or harder than what he's going through.

When he told you to 'move on' I'd guess that that's his insecurity speaking. It sounds like he wants to be with you, but he's not sure whether you want to be with him. And obviously he's going to find it difficult to trust you.

So this is a bit of a test for you. If you want things to work out, then you have to pass this test. If you want to be with him, then you'll have to prove it to him -- and that'll mean doing things to make him trust in you and to believe in you again. And that may mean doing things you don't want to do.

I'm not saying you have to wait forever, or do things that you are vehemently opposed to -- but reasonable requests from him should be responded to. He needs to know you are his friend, that you do love him and that you want to be with him. And that you're prepared to put out the effort tomake sure it happens. And that New Year was a horrid mistake that you'll never repeat.

You need to rebuild your relationship from the ground up. Take it slowly and understand it from his point of view.

It'll take time, but it can be resolved.

My lesbian girlfriend cheated on me ... with a man!

Dear Mr. Bitter guy,

I am a female..though I don't know if that matters.. anyway, I'm 18, and I've been dating my girlfriend for.. 3 months.

She has told me, just yesterday, that she cheated on me with a guy. and..I don't know what to do. She said it was up to me.

Some people say, since we're both girls, if it was a guy it shouldn't matter..but I don't know. A cheater ..is a cheater right?

She told me she has been cheated on, before this ever happened.

Is..this just one screw up..or do you think she'll do it again? should I break up with her? I don't know what to do...

Mr Bitter Guy says:

I've travelled to many places over the years and driven on both sides of the road. In Britain they still insist on driving on the left. But whichever side of the road you drive on you still get from A to B and a car-crash is a car-crash. Interestingly, a recent survey shows that gay men and straight women are the worst drivers, suggesting that lesbians are super-safe motorists. Gay men, however, have a crap sense of direction and are voted most likely to not get from point A to point B

No matter your gender or orientatiation, driving in these countries is very different. We have 'right turn on red' in the US -- possibly our greatest contribution to civilisation. If you were to do that in Britain, their cops in their silly hats would arrest you and take you down to the station for a nice cup of tea. Conversely, here in the US we don't have pedestrian crossings named after animals such as pelicans and zebras. Neither zebras nor pelicans exist in Britain and as such have no need to cross the road. However hedgehogs do exist in Britain and they also have their very own designated crossings.

While some things are different depending on which side of the road you drive, the general rules apply in all countries, except France. In France you have to be 18 to get a driving license and, apparently, that's the only requirement.

If zebras did exist and there was a dead one in the middle of the road with an American, a Brit and a Frenchman standing around it with car keys in hand, who would you suspect of running it over? More importantly, what would your reaction be to the mammal-murderer?

If it was the American, he would say "Why's there a huge barcode in the middle of the road?". Ignorance and stupidty are his defense and he can be educated to see the errors of his ways. You may very well be able to train an American, much like scientists train monkeys, to not do it again.

And the Brit; he would say "It's not my fault, it should have been on a designated zebra crossing". Don't be fooled by his foppish hair and poor oral hygiene. He will use his air of superior intellect to cast blame away from himself and onto others. You may or may not be able to convince him he's in the wrong. Is it worth all your time and effort trying to convince someone from a culture that invents crossings for animals that don't exist, that despite the zebra existing and it not being on its' designated crossing there was still no need to run it over?

The Frenchie: he would say "Who cares ... tastes good with garlic and wine, oui". Statistically, more zebras are killed by French speakers than English speakers. This is because the French empire colonised the majority of Africa, the zebras' native land, a few years ago. This proves that Frenchie will go out of his way to hunt down fresh zebra with little or no regard for others You will never convince Frenchie he's wrong so long as there's a skillet with melted butter simmering somewhere in the world.

The fact is zebras do exist, and no matter how good they taste it's never right to run them over.

Frustration led me to cheat on boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I was talking to this guy for about 4 1/2 months, dating you could call it. We both fell in love fast, faster than I expected. It was understood that even though we weren't in a "relationship," we knew what we could and couldn't do.

About 3 1/2 months into us "dating," I slept with someone else. The person I slept with was someone that I was just friends with, and that was it. Me and the person I was dating did not live in the same state. I am in college and he is back home.

I told him what I did the next day it happend, he ended up getting drunk and got into a car accident and was in the hospital for a week over what I did. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't under the influence of any drug. I did it because we had been having problems for a while, I couldn't get him to open up to me, he wouldn't take my feelings and how I felt into consideration. So I was frustrated and slept with someone else.

When I told, I told him because I was hurting and I couldn't believe that I did something like that. I felt bad and I knew I had made a mistake.

It has been about a week now, and the only thing that I am asking from him is that he give me a second chance to prove to him that I meant it when I told him I loved him.

I guess my question is to you is how do I get him to understand that what I did was a mistake and it won't ever happen again and what can I do to prove that to him?

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Firstly, he didn't end up in hospital because of what you did. He ended up in hospital because he was drunk. He may have got drunk because he was frustrated or upset, but getting drunk wasn't his only option to relieve this frustration. He could have, for example, slept with a friend like you did. Conversely, you could have got drunk and played "Which is harder: my head or a car?". Neither solution here is very well thought out.

Your answers lie in the dictionary. Talking is not dating. If it were, I'd have dated literally dozens of people and on occasion even my TV and the fridge. You may also like to look up the word 'relationship' which in this context would describe an emotional connection. You have an emotional connection with a guy who's being a cold fish.

Reading between the lines: The guy you're talking with doesn't want to get emotionally involved. You want an emotional relationship and he's leading you on. This isn't floating your boat so you jump on a friend's pork limousine and take a ride to Vindication City. Once there, you use this sexual excursion to get an emotional rise out of your unemotional boyfriend. Unfortunately, boyfriend gets drunk and plays super-highway-chicken rather than deal directly with his botherations. Now you're back to square one -- only this time with more problems.

More problems = more frustration = more fish/pork/chicken

This meat-melange is not good and will only lead to further constipation -- which is a word meaning a build up of a lot of stinking s**t. According to recent poll results, vegetarians' poop barely smells and they are more likely to get degrees. Polls also tell us that the divorce rate is lower in educated people.

Ergo; No fish/pork/chicken = less stinky crap = lasting relationship.

But, while you may swear to never touch another man's ham again, will he still remain the cold fish that drove you to the porcine-pounding in the first place?

How to break up with your boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

i've been going out with the same guy for 18 months and hes really dull. we dont do nothing any more and he lost his job and its just the same old same old all the time. we dont have sex often and when we do its quick and i rarely enjoy it.

i just met a guy at work thats really nice but i dont want to cheat on my boyfriend so i need to dump him so i can see this really nice guy at work

what should i do?

Mr Bitter Guy says:

Dumping your boyfriend is difficult even if there's a good reason. In your case you want to ditch him just because you're bored of him. This isn't a very nice thing to do, but there is a tried and trusted method to not only end the relationship, but also have HIM end it, saving you a whole bunch of trouble.

Simply, pretend you went on a date with some guy and 'accidentally' email your thank-you-for-a-good-time email to your current boyfriend. He'll think you're two-timing him and dump you.

To save time, I've included a prewritten email that you can simply copy and paste. It'll appear you went on a fairly innocent first-date to see a concert. But it should be enough to start a huge argument that'll result in the end of your relationship.

This technique works 99.9% of the time, unless your boyfriend's name is Simon.

Dear Simon,

I was very grateful that you asked me to the concert last night. I had a wonderful time and you were very, very attentive.

The backstage access was especially pleasing. I thoroughly enjoyed you trying to sneak in the back door. It was so illicit. Your attempts to gain entry were incredibly inventive. I know it was difficult getting in but once you'd slipped inside I couldn't help but come with you.

I was amazed that you got those guys to play with each other for us. And when you started to play with them I was beside myself. What you did with Jeff's organ
was mind-blowing. I thought you'd just use one or two fingers, but when you started using both hands I just couldn't sit still .

I'll never forget the look on Neil's face when you started blowing his trumpet after you'd finished with Jeff's organ. You may have spat too much as he had to wipe it off before he'd let me have a go.

What a wonderful night!

Your little backdoor accomplice

Make sure you stay out the night before you send it to add to the effect.

I got drunk and cheated on my boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

im going out with this boy for 3 mnths and i love him

but i got drunk and was all over this other boy so i got 2 boyfriends but i love the one ive been going out with for 3 months more

i feel real bad and dont no what to do



Mr Bitter Guy says ...

If I got a penny for every letter about "I got drunk and did something stupid" I'd have $6.37

First off, I gotta ask whether you're even old enough to drink? Seems like you're a young'un.

If you're not old enough to drink, you're not old enough to be in a serious relationship. After all that's how serious relationships start -- by drinking too much.

Ok. Enough tom-foolery. Easy answers here.I'm sure we've all let things get out of hand after a few beers. I could tell you a story about the time I ended up naked in a field with only a bottle of wine, an office stapler and a note duct-taped to my back which read "My name is Mandy -- be nice to me" -- but I'll leave that for another day.

Anyway, if you want to carry on seeing your first boyfriend, don't tell him what you did. Ditch the second boyfriend -- tell Dude no.2 you were drunk and shouldn't have been so naughty. And never ever, ever cheat again.

If you want to carry on seeing the second guy, you'll have to ditch Dude No.1 but don't tell the second guy anything. And don't ever, ever cheat again.

Now it might seem like I'm advocating lying but the fact of the matter is, if this is an honest mistake, then you'll serve no-one's interests by being open about it. What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't mind.

As punishment, you'll live with this guilt for the rest of your life, which is far better than you having to live with this guilt for the rest of your life AND ruining someone else's life in the process.

Don't do it again.

My girlfriend's lesbian fling

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over 5 years. She's 23 and I'm 22. We met at school years before and were real close, but never got together until we were 18. She always said that she didn't want to get serious until she was grown up.

I had to go to visit my family for Thanksgiving. She visited hers. We were seperated for about a week. When I got back, she told me that she'd got very drunk and had made a pass at cousin's fiance.

They ended up in bed together, making love for hours, she told me. She said it was so different to how we make love and that she wanted to do it again. She says there's room in her life for two lovers, one being a man, the other being a woman.

I was going to propose to her this Christmas. Now, I don't know what to do?

I had sex with my business partner's girlfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

I run a small IT business with my friend. We've been working together for a few years and have known each other since we were in college. I'm 28 and not been in a relationship for some time -- he's 29 and been dating this girl for two years.

But he treats her like crap. The last straw was a few nights ago when me and him were in a bar and he pulled some chick. The two of them left early but he forgot his phone. I took it with me to give to him at work the next day.

His girlfriend's a really nice girl. I've known her for a couple of years and she's hoping to marry my friend. He's promised her that he's going to take her on holiday to Florida next summer. She told me that she thinks he's going to propose there and she's very excited.

But how can she even date this guy, let alone marry him?

When I got back to my apartment I tried calling his house to tell him I had his phone, but he wasn't there. I sat around for a while thinking about it all, then decided I'd get his girlfriend's number from his phone and tell her everything that was going on.

She told me to come around and I arrived and told her everything. She started crying. I held her in my arms and she looked up at me and I kissed her. She kissed me back. It felt wonderful. One thing led to aother and before either of us knew it, we were in bed having the best sex of our lives.

she thanked me for telling her afterwards and I left to go home.

The problem is that she told her boyfriend -- my friend and business partner -- what happened! They've split up, but I don't want to lose my business, or my friend. What should I do?