Call of nature?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy, I need dating advice ...

Ok...here is my question!

I live in Las Vegas and my girlfriend lives in Texas. What are your thoughts on calling during the day just to say hi and I miss you?? Shouldn't this be a natural thing to do for two people who are dating over a long distance?? Except for days when you are extremely busy but even then how much time does it take to pick up a cell phone??

Thanks!!!~Rob in Vegas!

Ex-girlfriend's jealousy is making my life hell

Dear Mr Bitter Guy, I need dating advice ...

I kissed this guy i know from school but had never spoken to before last thursday and saturday when out at a club. On thursday we kissed once in the club and then all the way home in the taxi (he lives near me and there were others in the car too). Then on saturday, he arrived late, i didnt no he was coming, and he saw me and came over to me and we started talking. Then from about 11 till 1:30 we were together kissing, talking and mucking around, like singing all the corny songs that came on. I knew he used to go out with a girl in my year but i heard they broke up at christmas.

After saturday night, i heard that they had gotten together after that and they only broke up the saturday before. Now his ex is soo angry at me and has spoken to me twice both times shouting at me. Im not a shy person but i am quite quiet and i wasnt preapred for this. She said she cant shout at him as she has vowed never to talk to him again and she is now saying that they didnt break up the saturday before we kissed, they broke up the saturday after, but i no that this isnt true as he called her his ex when talking about her on thursday. She has called me a slut and shouted fuch u to me so many times today. And the second time we talked she threatened me saying that if i ever talk to him she will break my legs and if i ever have a thing with him she will smash my face against a wall. I know it sounds so immature and she probably is all talk but its reli getting to me and i normally don't let these things bother me.

Everyone is on my side saying that i am not in the wrong and her friends are so angry with her and have been comforting me and i no ive technically done nothin wrong cos i thought they'd been broken up for months but her shouting at me like that has reli, as ive said, got to me and i dont no wat to do.

I havent been able to talk to the guy since saturday as i've been away but now im not sure if i will or not, i reli like him we got on so well and seeing as we were only kissing and he didnt try anything else i no he's not looking for sex like the majority of guys are, but still can someone please tell me what to do? Do i stand up to her? Because i could give her attitude back but im not sure i want to, so far ive just let her shout and then let her no i didnt realise how recently they've broken up but she just says im talkin shit and she doesnt believe me. And what do i do about him?

Please help, this is really upsetting me!

My lesbian girlfriend cheated on me ... with a man!

Dear Mr. Bitter guy,

I am a female..though I don't know if that matters.. anyway, I'm 18, and I've been dating my girlfriend for.. 3 months.

She has told me, just yesterday, that she cheated on me with a guy. and..I don't know what to do. She said it was up to me.

Some people say, since we're both girls, if it was a guy it shouldn't matter..but I don't know. A cheater ..is a cheater right?

She told me she has been cheated on, before this ever happened.

Is..this just one screw up..or do you think she'll do it again? should I break up with her? I don't know what to do...

Mr Bitter Guy says:

I've travelled to many places over the years and driven on both sides of the road. In Britain they still insist on driving on the left. But whichever side of the road you drive on you still get from A to B and a car-crash is a car-crash. Interestingly, a recent survey shows that gay men and straight women are the worst drivers, suggesting that lesbians are super-safe motorists. Gay men, however, have a crap sense of direction and are voted most likely to not get from point A to point B

No matter your gender or orientatiation, driving in these countries is very different. We have 'right turn on red' in the US -- possibly our greatest contribution to civilisation. If you were to do that in Britain, their cops in their silly hats would arrest you and take you down to the station for a nice cup of tea. Conversely, here in the US we don't have pedestrian crossings named after animals such as pelicans and zebras. Neither zebras nor pelicans exist in Britain and as such have no need to cross the road. However hedgehogs do exist in Britain and they also have their very own designated crossings.

While some things are different depending on which side of the road you drive, the general rules apply in all countries, except France. In France you have to be 18 to get a driving license and, apparently, that's the only requirement.

If zebras did exist and there was a dead one in the middle of the road with an American, a Brit and a Frenchman standing around it with car keys in hand, who would you suspect of running it over? More importantly, what would your reaction be to the mammal-murderer?

If it was the American, he would say "Why's there a huge barcode in the middle of the road?". Ignorance and stupidty are his defense and he can be educated to see the errors of his ways. You may very well be able to train an American, much like scientists train monkeys, to not do it again.

And the Brit; he would say "It's not my fault, it should have been on a designated zebra crossing". Don't be fooled by his foppish hair and poor oral hygiene. He will use his air of superior intellect to cast blame away from himself and onto others. You may or may not be able to convince him he's in the wrong. Is it worth all your time and effort trying to convince someone from a culture that invents crossings for animals that don't exist, that despite the zebra existing and it not being on its' designated crossing there was still no need to run it over?

The Frenchie: he would say "Who cares ... tastes good with garlic and wine, oui". Statistically, more zebras are killed by French speakers than English speakers. This is because the French empire colonised the majority of Africa, the zebras' native land, a few years ago. This proves that Frenchie will go out of his way to hunt down fresh zebra with little or no regard for others You will never convince Frenchie he's wrong so long as there's a skillet with melted butter simmering somewhere in the world.

The fact is zebras do exist, and no matter how good they taste it's never right to run them over.

How to ditch your girlfriend ...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I read your post yesterday about ditching your boyfriend. How about a how-to for us guys?

Thanks


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Try one or all of these. Say in a casual tone:

"Did you shorten the chain on your necklace or are your breasts drooping?"

"I think your dress must have shrunk"

"No, let's keep the lights off"

"That's not how my ex did it"

If those don't work, simply use the same technique for "How to dump your boyfriend".

For added effect, keep the recipient's name as Simon.

My girlfriend's lesbian fling

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over 5 years. She's 23 and I'm 22. We met at school years before and were real close, but never got together until we were 18. She always said that she didn't want to get serious until she was grown up.

I had to go to visit my family for Thanksgiving. She visited hers. We were seperated for about a week. When I got back, she told me that she'd got very drunk and had made a pass at cousin's fiance.

They ended up in bed together, making love for hours, she told me. She said it was so different to how we make love and that she wanted to do it again. She says there's room in her life for two lovers, one being a man, the other being a woman.

I was going to propose to her this Christmas. Now, I don't know what to do?