Is male friend coming on to me?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy, I need dating advice ...
I have a male friend who is 24 years old and i am 9 years younger than him.Whenever he comes to my house, he just fools around with me and jokes around. Often when he uses my computer when I'm using it, he wraps his arm around me, but it isn't something like a hug. And when I go to my bed for a lay, he would come too and just go on top of me. I cannot understand how he feels. Does he like me?

What's your favorite sex position?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy, I need dating advice ...
I am curious to know the average time a couple takes for sex, and how many positions they do, and which ones. I guess I just want to ensure I am doing enough of what is in the norms.

Cyber affair leads to real-life problems?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy, I need dating advice ...
im 22 and my bf is 28 we had a cyber affair for a year without meeting he agreed to it 1st then after we met he liked the way i look and etc but after sumtime he said he hates me for not meeting him then we settled that then he asked me for sex i m from an asian country and we do not have sex till marriage so i said no but now he hates me for it i think he is having a mental problem what shall i do?

Better than porn for orgasms

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,


my boyfriend doesnt give me very good orgasms and im not sure what to do about it. weve been together for about 5 years and i thought hed get better as we went along but theres no difference. what can i do?


Dear Bitter Guy says:

When you're next feeling frisky, click on the image on the right and have sex where you can see your computer monitor. When you're about to orgasm look at the image provided.

Oddly, staring at something blue during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain.

Hence we have the saying Blue Movies.

I got a vibrator for Christmas

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

My boyfriuend bought me a vibrator for Christmas and i'm worried about using it incase i get hurt by it. can it do any harm?

Mr Bitter Guy says:

In regards to health, vibrators are safe -- except the ones that give you cancer. A good beginners tip is to tie one end to an immovable object, like a chair, to ensure the thing doesn't go astray.

Also , be aware that if you're in the State of Alabama your boyfriend has broken the law by purchasing this sex toy. Your acceptance of this gift could be interpreted as 'possession of an illegal substance' -- a criminal offence.

As an interesting aside, in the UK, 2 million vibrators are sold per year. And given that there are approximately 24 million women aged 18+ in the UK. and 111 million women aged 18+ in the US we can estimate that there are roughly 9.25 million vibrator sales in the US per year!

All those vibrators will need 18.5 million AA batteries to accompany their purchase.

That's enough batteries to completely power the average US home for TWELVE YEARS. (true!)

Now while I'd like to think that Alabama's legislators are trying to take the environmental high road with their law banning the sale of vibrators, the fact of the matter is that Alabaman men are ugly and need all the help they can get to get laid.

She wont suck my ****

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

Mt girfriend won't suck my ****. How can I get her to suck my ****? I want my **** sucked! Please God, make her suck my ****!

Mr Bitter Guy says:

Explain to her that seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and/or other minerals proven by scientists to prevent tooth decay.

If she has no teeth resort to bribery, lies, flatery and/or deception.

How can I increase my sex drive?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I'm a 22 year old guy and I don't care about sex. Am I a freak? I have a few friends, I go to school and I work part-time. All my 'equipment' works ok, I just don't care about sex. Before you ask, I'm not gay because I care even less about sex with guys. My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating on her or using it all up on porn. What should I do - I really like her but I don't want to **** her. And I'm tired of going along with everybody and pretending that every woman in the world gives me a boner and that I should stick my **** in anything that has a hole. I'm sick of sex and I don't even have it, it's all you see in movies, on tv and even the internet. Am I the only person in the world that doesn't download porn?

I saw your post about how many trees a guy kills by whacking off. Do I need help with my sex drive or should I tell my girlfriend that I'm just environmentally friendly?

What should I do?

Mr Bitter guy says ...

Quit school and quit your job. Everyone knows that the stupid and unemployed have more babies than the educated and employed. And babies come from having sex!

Milking the moose not resposible for Mr Bendy

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I'm 25 & have been masturbating nearly every day since I was about 10, now I look like a bannana.

How long should it take for using the other hand to correct this ?

Mr Bitter Guy Says ...

Presumably you're talking about the shape of your penis and not about your over-all demeanor.

If you're referring to the shape of Mr Percy, contrary to urban legend, beating the bishop does not cause penile curvature whether you're in the northern or southern hemisphere.

However, if you are indeed turning yellow and you're permanently hunched over, you have jaundice and need medical attention. Jaundice is rarely associated with basting your ham and no amount of left-handed ladling will cure it

How do I stop my boyfriend watching porn?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

Hi,

My boyfriend recently got broadband and now I think he's addicted to internet porn. He used to do it before, but not as bad as this. He's filled three hard-drives with the stuff AND gone through a 50 pack of DVDs in three weeks. He never stops. It all he does all day. its starting to upset me.

Is it natural for a man to watch porn so much? Ami being silly? Can I stop him?


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

If you consider an average HD is 80GB and 50 DVDs is about 200GB total ... that works out at an amazing 450GB of porn in three weeks! That's equivalent to 21 gigs per day!

Assuming it's high quality movie and sound, it works out that 1GB of data is equivalent to 1 hour's viewing. That's 21 hours of footage to watch per day. Does he have a job? Or shower? Or eat or sleep ... ? This man is a monster!

Or if he's saving it up to watch for when he's 'in the mood', based on a conservative 4-minute durational average for male monkey-spanking, he'll have enough for 6,750 pleasurable pickle-paddling, gherkin-jerkin moments.

Given that, on average, a man will choke the chicken 20 times per month this stash-o-sluts should provide for him an amazing 337.5 months of pony smacking. That's more than 28 years worth.

Or to put it another way that's 18 gallons (144 pints) of man-goo, needing 13,500 kleenex tissues (80 boxes) to wipe it all up. That's the equivalent of 1/8 of a tree's worth of wood (approx 74,000 cubic inches or 45 cubic feet). Your boyfriend is 'single-handedly' depriving the world of enough wood to make 15 rocking chairs!

As an interesting aside, in the lifetime of all the guys in America, based on your boyfriends habits, they would be jointly responsible for the felling of 37,500,000 trees due to their ejaculatory habits -- thats enough trees to forest 300 square miles, an area similar in size to New York City!

That's a lot of wood.

So I implore all the women in America to think about the environment.

Save a tree. Swallow.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, try rubbing poison ivy on his keyboard. If he answers the bone-a-phone while one-handedly surfing, his flute solo will quickly turn into a dangley-dirge.

How to ditch your girlfriend ...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I read your post yesterday about ditching your boyfriend. How about a how-to for us guys?

Thanks


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Try one or all of these. Say in a casual tone:

"Did you shorten the chain on your necklace or are your breasts drooping?"

"I think your dress must have shrunk"

"No, let's keep the lights off"

"That's not how my ex did it"

If those don't work, simply use the same technique for "How to dump your boyfriend".

For added effect, keep the recipient's name as Simon.

He makes me feel cheap during sex

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

During sex my new boyfriend wants me to tell him how much I want to sleep with other men. It turns him on when I describe in detail how i'd like to f*** them. He want's every detail. how i'd lick them and suck them. what position i'd be in. how many men i'd do at one time.

He's really nice in all other ways, but this is making me feel really cheap. What should I do?

Mr Bitter Guy says:

When you finish making love next tell him you want the $20 now and if he doesn't pay he'll have to deal with Papa Cubetastic da Ice Masta.

When he asks why, you say "Well if you don't pay me my pimp is gonna beat me again and then he's gonna coming looking for you".

He will get the point that you feel like a whore and this will start a conversation where you tell him you're uncomfortable with things and he tells you that he's sorry and won't do it again.

As a bonus he might also let you keep the 20 bucks.

How can I improve my **** ***?

Dear Mr Bitter Guy.

I'm 23, pretty and want to give my boyfriend the best **** he's ever had. Any tips?

Thank you Mr Bitter Guy!


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Get another pretty, 23-year-old to join in

I want to give my boyfriend some ******* ****

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I ****** enjoy giving my boyfriend ****. I just love ******* his **** *****, ******* his **** and ******* on the *** until he ******** in my *****. I love the ***** of his ***. I even love the ***** of my ***** ***** on his **** after he's ****** me. I just can't get ****** **** in my *****.

Now he's asked me to **** his ***. I'd never thought of doing it before, but it ***** ** *** just thinking about it. Running my ***** from one end of his **** **** round his ***** and ******** him ****** in his ******* while ******* his **** with my ****, then ******** my *** back up to his **** to ******* his *** *****.

My question is -- is it hygenic?


Mr Bitter Guy says ...

That's a very colorful decription. And yes it is ok as long as he washes himself thoroughly.I'd suggest going to you local home-brew shop and picking up a bottle brush. They're ideal for anal-hygeine and impart quite a thrill in themselves (or so I'm told).They come in a variety of lengths, girths and stiffnesses. Some are even bent so you can clean around the rim, which might be appropriate.Do not use harsh or abbrassive cleaning products. They will leave a mark. I'd suggest something with a citrus tang. Have fun.

I enjoy hurting men's *******

Dear Mr Bitter Guy

Is it wrong? It just arouses me so much. I'm a 28 year old woman and have been single for the past three years. After a date or two I end up in bed with the guy and everything is fine the first couple of times. But then I feel the need to scratch or bite his *****. Or squeeze it until he yells.

My last boyfriend asked me to stop, but I couldn't. I scratched him so hard it tore the skin on his ****. He called me a freak and left. He won't return my calls now.

Am I normal or is this just wrong?

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Let me answer this by asking you a simple question: Is it wrong to stick a needle in a dogs ear?If you answered 'yes' then read on.If you answered 'no' then you need some serious help because you're a complete fruitloop.

This is a dominance issue. You like the power, probably because you feel like you have no power in other areas of your life. Take stock of the rest of your life and see where you feel inadequate and take steps to be more assertive there.

With a bit of time you should feel your tackle-trashing urges diminsh.If they don't then you'll probably enjoy a bit of BDSM so go out, buy a gimp suit, a bag of oranges, some hairspray (don't forget the talcum powder for the gimp suit) and start calling yourself Mistress Ball Crusher.

Then find yourself a man who has a thing for having his testicles battered.

Good Luck, Mistress Ball Crusher.