My lesbian girlfriend cheated on me ... with a man!

Dear Mr. Bitter guy,

I am a female..though I don't know if that matters.. anyway, I'm 18, and I've been dating my girlfriend for.. 3 months.

She has told me, just yesterday, that she cheated on me with a guy. and..I don't know what to do. She said it was up to me.

Some people say, since we're both girls, if it was a guy it shouldn't matter..but I don't know. A cheater ..is a cheater right?

She told me she has been cheated on, before this ever happened.

Is..this just one screw up..or do you think she'll do it again? should I break up with her? I don't know what to do...

Mr Bitter Guy says:

I've travelled to many places over the years and driven on both sides of the road. In Britain they still insist on driving on the left. But whichever side of the road you drive on you still get from A to B and a car-crash is a car-crash. Interestingly, a recent survey shows that gay men and straight women are the worst drivers, suggesting that lesbians are super-safe motorists. Gay men, however, have a crap sense of direction and are voted most likely to not get from point A to point B

No matter your gender or orientatiation, driving in these countries is very different. We have 'right turn on red' in the US -- possibly our greatest contribution to civilisation. If you were to do that in Britain, their cops in their silly hats would arrest you and take you down to the station for a nice cup of tea. Conversely, here in the US we don't have pedestrian crossings named after animals such as pelicans and zebras. Neither zebras nor pelicans exist in Britain and as such have no need to cross the road. However hedgehogs do exist in Britain and they also have their very own designated crossings.

While some things are different depending on which side of the road you drive, the general rules apply in all countries, except France. In France you have to be 18 to get a driving license and, apparently, that's the only requirement.

If zebras did exist and there was a dead one in the middle of the road with an American, a Brit and a Frenchman standing around it with car keys in hand, who would you suspect of running it over? More importantly, what would your reaction be to the mammal-murderer?

If it was the American, he would say "Why's there a huge barcode in the middle of the road?". Ignorance and stupidty are his defense and he can be educated to see the errors of his ways. You may very well be able to train an American, much like scientists train monkeys, to not do it again.

And the Brit; he would say "It's not my fault, it should have been on a designated zebra crossing". Don't be fooled by his foppish hair and poor oral hygiene. He will use his air of superior intellect to cast blame away from himself and onto others. You may or may not be able to convince him he's in the wrong. Is it worth all your time and effort trying to convince someone from a culture that invents crossings for animals that don't exist, that despite the zebra existing and it not being on its' designated crossing there was still no need to run it over?

The Frenchie: he would say "Who cares ... tastes good with garlic and wine, oui". Statistically, more zebras are killed by French speakers than English speakers. This is because the French empire colonised the majority of Africa, the zebras' native land, a few years ago. This proves that Frenchie will go out of his way to hunt down fresh zebra with little or no regard for others You will never convince Frenchie he's wrong so long as there's a skillet with melted butter simmering somewhere in the world.

The fact is zebras do exist, and no matter how good they taste it's never right to run them over.

Frustration led me to cheat on boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I was talking to this guy for about 4 1/2 months, dating you could call it. We both fell in love fast, faster than I expected. It was understood that even though we weren't in a "relationship," we knew what we could and couldn't do.

About 3 1/2 months into us "dating," I slept with someone else. The person I slept with was someone that I was just friends with, and that was it. Me and the person I was dating did not live in the same state. I am in college and he is back home.

I told him what I did the next day it happend, he ended up getting drunk and got into a car accident and was in the hospital for a week over what I did. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't under the influence of any drug. I did it because we had been having problems for a while, I couldn't get him to open up to me, he wouldn't take my feelings and how I felt into consideration. So I was frustrated and slept with someone else.

When I told, I told him because I was hurting and I couldn't believe that I did something like that. I felt bad and I knew I had made a mistake.

It has been about a week now, and the only thing that I am asking from him is that he give me a second chance to prove to him that I meant it when I told him I loved him.

I guess my question is to you is how do I get him to understand that what I did was a mistake and it won't ever happen again and what can I do to prove that to him?

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

Firstly, he didn't end up in hospital because of what you did. He ended up in hospital because he was drunk. He may have got drunk because he was frustrated or upset, but getting drunk wasn't his only option to relieve this frustration. He could have, for example, slept with a friend like you did. Conversely, you could have got drunk and played "Which is harder: my head or a car?". Neither solution here is very well thought out.

Your answers lie in the dictionary. Talking is not dating. If it were, I'd have dated literally dozens of people and on occasion even my TV and the fridge. You may also like to look up the word 'relationship' which in this context would describe an emotional connection. You have an emotional connection with a guy who's being a cold fish.

Reading between the lines: The guy you're talking with doesn't want to get emotionally involved. You want an emotional relationship and he's leading you on. This isn't floating your boat so you jump on a friend's pork limousine and take a ride to Vindication City. Once there, you use this sexual excursion to get an emotional rise out of your unemotional boyfriend. Unfortunately, boyfriend gets drunk and plays super-highway-chicken rather than deal directly with his botherations. Now you're back to square one -- only this time with more problems.

More problems = more frustration = more fish/pork/chicken

This meat-melange is not good and will only lead to further constipation -- which is a word meaning a build up of a lot of stinking s**t. According to recent poll results, vegetarians' poop barely smells and they are more likely to get degrees. Polls also tell us that the divorce rate is lower in educated people.

Ergo; No fish/pork/chicken = less stinky crap = lasting relationship.

But, while you may swear to never touch another man's ham again, will he still remain the cold fish that drove you to the porcine-pounding in the first place?

Husband caught with pants down ...

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I was going to work as usual but my car stalled about ten minutes away from my house. I couldn't get it restarted so I called my boss, told him I'd be late and walked home to call a mechanic. When I got home I found my husband and my neighbor making out on our couch. My neighbor is a 23 year old guy and my husband is 56.

We've been neighbours for 3 years and get on really well. He's such a nice young man, but I never suspected my husband was having an affair with him.

When I walked in on them, our neighbor looked shocked, as did my husband. He tried all the usual things like telling me it wasn't what it looked like, that he was just messing around, that it didn't mean anything.

I was shocked and upset. I didn't say a word. I just walked out and went to my best friend's house to calm down. When I returned home, my husband was in tears. He told me he'd been seeing our neighbor almost since he'd moved in and that they'd been sexually involved for almost two years. He told me he isn't gay, but later admitted that he's had 'feelings' for men since his late twenties.

He says he still loves me and that he is sexually attracted to me and I believe him. He says he'll end his affair with our neighbor and he really does seem upset. He says he's never had an affair before in our 20 years of marriage and that he wont do it again. But he cheated on me and it hurts. I know I can't give him what a man can give him but that doesn't make it right. I'm not sure I can trust him again and I feel insecure about myself, like I'm not enough for him and never have been. I feel like I've wasted 20 years of my life living a lie and I don't know what to do.

Mr Bitter Guy says ...

This is indeed a problem. Take a look at the idle control valve. You'll find it on the side of the throttle body which is connected to the air pipe from the air filter and the engine.

Unbolt that, take off the motor half and spray carb cleaner into the mechanical half. Once it's dried, put it all back together.

Oil and carbon deposits will likely have built up in the breather pipes so you'll want to clean them too.

Start your car and see if it runs without stalling. Hopefully this will do the trick. Nobody likes being late for work.

How to break up with your boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

i've been going out with the same guy for 18 months and hes really dull. we dont do nothing any more and he lost his job and its just the same old same old all the time. we dont have sex often and when we do its quick and i rarely enjoy it.

i just met a guy at work thats really nice but i dont want to cheat on my boyfriend so i need to dump him so i can see this really nice guy at work

what should i do?

Mr Bitter Guy says:

Dumping your boyfriend is difficult even if there's a good reason. In your case you want to ditch him just because you're bored of him. This isn't a very nice thing to do, but there is a tried and trusted method to not only end the relationship, but also have HIM end it, saving you a whole bunch of trouble.

Simply, pretend you went on a date with some guy and 'accidentally' email your thank-you-for-a-good-time email to your current boyfriend. He'll think you're two-timing him and dump you.

To save time, I've included a prewritten email that you can simply copy and paste. It'll appear you went on a fairly innocent first-date to see a concert. But it should be enough to start a huge argument that'll result in the end of your relationship.

This technique works 99.9% of the time, unless your boyfriend's name is Simon.

Dear Simon,

I was very grateful that you asked me to the concert last night. I had a wonderful time and you were very, very attentive.

The backstage access was especially pleasing. I thoroughly enjoyed you trying to sneak in the back door. It was so illicit. Your attempts to gain entry were incredibly inventive. I know it was difficult getting in but once you'd slipped inside I couldn't help but come with you.

I was amazed that you got those guys to play with each other for us. And when you started to play with them I was beside myself. What you did with Jeff's organ
was mind-blowing. I thought you'd just use one or two fingers, but when you started using both hands I just couldn't sit still .

I'll never forget the look on Neil's face when you started blowing his trumpet after you'd finished with Jeff's organ. You may have spat too much as he had to wipe it off before he'd let me have a go.

What a wonderful night!

Your little backdoor accomplice

Make sure you stay out the night before you send it to add to the effect.

I got drunk and cheated on my boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

im going out with this boy for 3 mnths and i love him

but i got drunk and was all over this other boy so i got 2 boyfriends but i love the one ive been going out with for 3 months more

i feel real bad and dont no what to do



Mr Bitter Guy says ...

If I got a penny for every letter about "I got drunk and did something stupid" I'd have $6.37

First off, I gotta ask whether you're even old enough to drink? Seems like you're a young'un.

If you're not old enough to drink, you're not old enough to be in a serious relationship. After all that's how serious relationships start -- by drinking too much.

Ok. Enough tom-foolery. Easy answers here.I'm sure we've all let things get out of hand after a few beers. I could tell you a story about the time I ended up naked in a field with only a bottle of wine, an office stapler and a note duct-taped to my back which read "My name is Mandy -- be nice to me" -- but I'll leave that for another day.

Anyway, if you want to carry on seeing your first boyfriend, don't tell him what you did. Ditch the second boyfriend -- tell Dude no.2 you were drunk and shouldn't have been so naughty. And never ever, ever cheat again.

If you want to carry on seeing the second guy, you'll have to ditch Dude No.1 but don't tell the second guy anything. And don't ever, ever cheat again.

Now it might seem like I'm advocating lying but the fact of the matter is, if this is an honest mistake, then you'll serve no-one's interests by being open about it. What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't mind.

As punishment, you'll live with this guilt for the rest of your life, which is far better than you having to live with this guilt for the rest of your life AND ruining someone else's life in the process.

Don't do it again.