Paranoid boyfriend ditches angry girlfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

I have a problem… I am 19 almost 20 and my boyfriend, well technically ex boyfriend is 26. We were together roughly a year now and we have defiantly had our share of ups and downs.

To start off, he is really paranoid and has crazy trust issues. He was hurt really bad in a previous relationship...that was like 3 years ago or something. So he doesn’t trust anyone including me. He goes through these like stages where he will be really great for a while and everything between us is fine to all the sudden saying that I did something or that something happened that didn’t.

Well, I went online and looked up paranoid disorder and all this stuff about trust issues and gave it to him, not sure if that was the best thing to do... But I mean I didn’t just throw it at him, I eased it.. So he looked at it and said that maybe he has some tendencies and would try and work on them.

Well, I’m not perfect either and have a bad habit of losing my temper when he accuses me of something I didn’t do. I cant prove that I didn’t do something...he just has to trust me and he doesn’t... So we fight and usually one of us ends up saying that we want to break up. That only lasts a couple days because we both really care about each other and the only thing we fight about is him accusing me of things and me blowing up. And when I say blowing up I mean literally I go crazy. I am not proud of this and am trying to work on my anger. But the weird thing is I only get mad like that at him, and when he is falsely accusing me of things.

Ok, so I haven’t even gotten to my problem yet... Well we had a fight when I was staying over there one night. He has to get up really early for work but I don’t so I’m not tired when he is, so I was texting a girl friend for awhile but turned my phone to silent so I wouldn’t wake him. I went to bed around 10 p.m. and said goodnight to my friend and that was the end of the conversation. So, in the morning he was being all weird and distant and made some comment about it being the last time I stay over. When I asked what he meant he told me that my phone was vibrating at 4 in the morning and someone must have been calling me. I told him no one did and that my phone was on silent but he didn’t believe me.

So I stormed out and went home and went back to bed thinking it would pass and by lunch time he would be over it. Well he wasn’t over it and said he heard what he heard and that I was lying to him. And since then, about a week now, he hasn’t called me back, just a text to say “its over, sorry”.

During this week I gave him like 2 days to cool down because in the past he usually comes to his senses and says he was sorry for accusing me and says he trusts me. So after that, I called and left messages, mean nasty ones and ones apologizing for the mean nasty ones... I even went to his house to try to talk to him, but he told me to leave before he called the cops.

I am so confused. Why won’t he tell me why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? I mean, does he honestly not believe me about the phone and is going to ruin a great relationship over that? And I know it doesn’t sound like a great relationship, but other than this crap things are great. He makes me happy, he says I make him happy. My parents love him... etc...

I figured this was just a normal fight and that everything would get worked out but this time he is serious... I am a patient and loyal person and I really want this to work and I will do whatever it takes to help him get over his trust issues. But he isn’t even trying to get over them anymore...

He won't answer his phone when I call or respond to my texts... So is it over, should I just give up and move on. I am not the kind of person that gives up. So what do I do??? Please, any advice would be great and much appreciated.

Thank you!


The Answer Chick Says:

It was a great thing to do to give your boyfriend information on paranoid disorder, although it may have been a little beyond what he's suffering from. Obviously his previous relationship has had a lasting effect on him and it takes time to recover from such things. Three years certainly seems like it should be long enough but, depending on what he went through and what kind of person he is, it may not be. If you want things to work out you have to be patient with him and accept his reactions are going to be skewed until he works things out.

However, it's really encouraging that he recognises that he's over-reacting and that he's prepared to work through them. But he's going to need a lot of help and support from you and you'll need to work on yourself a little too.

Your anger can easily be interpreted by him as a defensive mechanism to divert the situation -- rather than responding angrily, you need to explain events to him calmly and rationaly. You also need to explain to him that, just like he has trust issues, you have blame issues. You both need to talk about your problems and try to understand how each others reactions can be interpreted by the other.

Both of you need to deal with your problems. Professional councelling could be appropriate here because, unfortunately, your issues exacerbate his problems and vice versa. Someone who can mediate would be a tremendous help.

Whatever happens, you have to both be honest and open with each other -- and try to see the situation through the other person's eyes.

Hopefully, the relationship isn't over. Give him some time to cool down and tell him you'd like the opportunity to apologize for blowing up on him and ask him if it would be ok to talk things over. If he doesn't respond or tells you he doesn't want to talk, then things are done and it's time to move on.