My boyfriend is a tool

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

It happened AGAIN. Obviously my mood swings or whatever the **** you describe them as have resulted in my boyfriend telling me to **** OFF and hang up the phone. He has a really short temper and it really pisses me off. Actually, I say pisses me off but it upsets me at first. I go through a chain of events starting with crying. While he sits at home and doesn’t give the slightest **** about what the **** I’m feeling.

It annoys me that he obviously doesn’t give that much of a **** to care about how he ****ing speaks to me. If I ever try to bring this subject up of how he talks to me, ill just get the old ‘have you finished whining yet’ or ‘grow up, they’re only words’ if they are ONLY words, don’t ****ing use them when you are speaking to me.

So evidently I call him back, and he again hangs up, I think I did it to about the third time before he said some **** like ‘if you ****ing ring back I swear’ and hung up. He doesn’t give a **** how I feel. I bet after he hangs up he should feel quite pleased with himself, or just don’t care at all. I mean he never called me all night, to try and make things better. I didn’t call him because he didn’t want me to. And why the hell should I if he ****ing talks to me like that.

I always do nice things for him; he stays at my house all the time. For example the other day I saw that the gel he buys has an offer on, so I bought him some. He would never do anything nice like this. He never ever complements me or makes me feel like he really wants me. I just want him to look and see what he’s doing to me. No ****ing wonder I moan about **** all, he treats his friends that are girls better than me. He would never tell anyone of them to **** off. I’m that pathetic that I’m sat here crying about a guy.

I love him with all my heart, he just hardly ever shows it and I just really want him to change so badly or else I don’t know what I’m going to do. My life is so messed up some times and he just makes it a lot harder for me. I just hate the way he speaks to me, why can’t he just be like a normal boyfriend. If I was a guy I would never be like that with a girl. But he doesn’t care that he hurts me, and If he sees me crying or thinks im upset he will just say to grow up and walk away.

But I always ponder to him and call him back cos’ I don’t want him to be mad and me, I don’t like anyone being mad at me. I just don’t know what the hell to do. It helps typing it all out to see what the problem is. It looks like he treats me like one of his guy friends that he can sleep with sometimes. He can be the nicest person ever, and that’s the person I fell in love with. But he has changed so much and I really can’t handle it without breaking out into tears.

You make think im a sad person to hope for him to change, but I don’t think it will happen because he wont listen. If he even came across one of my diaries he would probably laugh and say the problem lies with me. I moan a lot and used to be a jealous bitch. But I think it’s based down to the fact of not receiving the attention I crave from him. There is no point me hoping he will call. Because he won’t. I feel ugly and as if he wants something more, from someone more.

Please I hope to god that this doesn’t last much longer, because soon im going to run out of tears…What should I do?

Mr Bitter Guy Says:

This guy is a total tool. You fell in love with this false front he puts on to hide his toolness, and as you've got to know him better, his toolness has started to show more and more until you've ended up here. He hasn't changed -- you've just gotten to see more of him. And he's more tool than cool.

He isn't treating you like a friend at all -- not even like one his guy friends. He's being an ass. He's venting his anger and frustrations on you because he can, and because there are no long-lasting repercussions. Once he's vented his frustrations on you, he's over it; and doesn't want to deal with the short-term fallout (such as you being upset) because he's already blown his wad and that's all that matters to him. I bet he's the type of guy who doesn't care whether you orgasm when you have sex. He'll do it again and again because he knows you'll just run back to him.

Will he change? No. Not unless the root of his problems/insecurities are addressed. Those problems have nothing to do with you.

There's a version of a Tibetan tale about a frog crossing a river on the back of a tiger. It goes like this:

A frog was trying to cross a river but it had too strong a current and every time he tried to cross he got swept further downstream. After trying many times, he crawled back up onto the river bank and saw a tiger standing in front of him. The frog was scared but had nowhere to go other than toward the tiger.

"What are you doing?" growled the tiger to the frog.

The frog, cowering, said "I'm trying to cross the river, mighty Tiger"

The tiger said, "I'm going to cross the river to hunt on the far side. Why don't you jump on my back and I'll take you across"

"You'll just eat me" replied the frog, not trusting the tiger.

"No I wont -- there's not enough meat on you for me" purred the tiger

"But you're a tiger -- of course you'll eat me. It's in your nature to eat me."

The tiger replied "I promise I wont eat you. Besides, frogs don't taste good."

This went on for some time, but eventually the tiger managed to convince the frog that he'd come to no harm. The little green fellow jumped onto the back of the tiger and they both lept into the river.

The current was strong but not as strong as the tiger and soon they were half-way across the raging torrent. Suddenly the tiger flipped the frog high into the air and caught him in his mouth and started to eat him.

As he was being devoured, the frog screamed at the tiger "Why are you eating me? You promised you wouldn't"

The tiger replied "I can't help it. I am what I am. I'm a tiger and I eat things. It's my nature."

And that's where the story ends ... implying that some things can't be changed, but that's not true. In this version, the story continues:

And so the tiger reached the other side of the bank, licking his lips. The frog didn't taste so bad after all. But after a few minutes, the tiger started to feel dizzy and weak, and he soon collapsed.

A fox, that had been looking for food by the river, stumbled upon him and asked "Why, mighty Tiger, are you lying at the side of this river when you should be
hunting?"

"I ate a frog and now I don't feel too good" gasped the tiger.

"You ate a frog!" laughed the fox, "don't you know they're poisonous?"

The tiger never ate another frog again.

NB. This story is a metaphor. Posioning people is wrong. Do not poison people, even to prove a point.