How to break up with your boyfriend

Dear Mr Bitter Guy,

i've been going out with the same guy for 18 months and hes really dull. we dont do nothing any more and he lost his job and its just the same old same old all the time. we dont have sex often and when we do its quick and i rarely enjoy it.

i just met a guy at work thats really nice but i dont want to cheat on my boyfriend so i need to dump him so i can see this really nice guy at work

what should i do?

Mr Bitter Guy says:

Dumping your boyfriend is difficult even if there's a good reason. In your case you want to ditch him just because you're bored of him. This isn't a very nice thing to do, but there is a tried and trusted method to not only end the relationship, but also have HIM end it, saving you a whole bunch of trouble.

Simply, pretend you went on a date with some guy and 'accidentally' email your thank-you-for-a-good-time email to your current boyfriend. He'll think you're two-timing him and dump you.

To save time, I've included a prewritten email that you can simply copy and paste. It'll appear you went on a fairly innocent first-date to see a concert. But it should be enough to start a huge argument that'll result in the end of your relationship.

This technique works 99.9% of the time, unless your boyfriend's name is Simon.

Dear Simon,

I was very grateful that you asked me to the concert last night. I had a wonderful time and you were very, very attentive.

The backstage access was especially pleasing. I thoroughly enjoyed you trying to sneak in the back door. It was so illicit. Your attempts to gain entry were incredibly inventive. I know it was difficult getting in but once you'd slipped inside I couldn't help but come with you.

I was amazed that you got those guys to play with each other for us. And when you started to play with them I was beside myself. What you did with Jeff's organ
was mind-blowing. I thought you'd just use one or two fingers, but when you started using both hands I just couldn't sit still .

I'll never forget the look on Neil's face when you started blowing his trumpet after you'd finished with Jeff's organ. You may have spat too much as he had to wipe it off before he'd let me have a go.

What a wonderful night!

Your little backdoor accomplice

Make sure you stay out the night before you send it to add to the effect.