Dear Mr. Bitter Guy,
I have never done this before, I feel kind of stupid emailing a stranger with something that is so personal, but I am in need of some advice.
So I just tell you the problem yeah?
Well I was dating this guy for around 4 months, our relationship had always been challenging since he went to University in Preston which around about a 4 hour drive from where I live, but this only made are relationship stronger and made us realize that even though we were apart are feelings still remained the same.
In November he told me he loved me, I had never said these words to anyone else before so I took my time to say them back so when I did I really did mean them, so early December I told him that I really did love him, this made December a hard month to get through, but he came home and I got to see him again and everything was amazing, we were both swept off are feet seeing each other again and everything was pretty much perfect. We started talking about committing to each other and being in a real relationship but we still needed time.
So New Years eve he went to Bristol with his friends, I had nothing against this since I was out with my friends as well, but never the less I missed him and found that it was having a profound effect on my night, I kept thinking about him and it was really depressing me, so I decided to get so drunk I couldn’t think at all.
This was the first mistake, I got so drunk that when some guy started coming on to me, i had no mind or body strength to push them away, I ended up kissing him and then with everything i had left in me a ran into the girls toilets, i was so upset and heartbroken with what i had done i rang my guy and told him that i had kissed someone, the thing was he had just been bigging me up to all his friends saying how amazing i was and how much he loved me, so not only did i hurt him i embarrassed him in front of his best friends. I tried to tell him i was sorry but my phone battery ran out, when i got home in the morning i had one txt off him saying “i loved you”.
New Year’s Day i told him what had happened but it didn’t change the way he felt, i wrecked him and i could only blame myself and he could only blame me. I did everything i could to try and get him back, did the romantic thing of running all the way to see him waiting in the freezing cold for him but all i got back was a “I don’t trust you”.
So he went back to university and he sent me an email saying that he wanted to hate me but couldn’t he wants to be on his own right now and wants to just be friends for now with me. I found being his friend hard. I had so many feeling for him, speaking to him as a friend hurt.
So a week ago he sent me a txt saying he missed me, and that i was beautiful and he sent a video of two people making up, so this gave me the impression he wanted me back but in the week then he was totally blank with me and awkward. This hurt me so much, i feel like I’m hanging on to something which might have already let me go. So i told him how i felt and he said that he does still have feelings for me but the last memory he has of me was kissing someone and t blurred out all the good memories so he doesn’t want to make me wait for him he told me i should move on, and this is my problem, i can’t let go of him, i can’t move on, but i can’t be his friend and wait around either
What should I do?
Mr Bitter Guy Says:
Ah. The old "I got drunk routine". People use that excuse for so many things:" I got drunk and cheated", "I got drunk and said some stupid things", "I got drunk, burnt your house down, slept with your wife and drowned your cat. Ooops."
Really people, getting drunk is not an excuse. William Burroughs once said "drugs don't make you do anything that you wouldn't normally do, they just help you on the way", to paraphrase. And that's something coming from him. (If you don't know who Burroughs is he makes the music industry look like kindergarten as far as drug use is concerned. The man was a walking pin-cushion).
From a medical paper: Generally small amounts of alcohol produce lowered inhibitions, feelings of relaxation, more self confidence, diminished judgement, reduced attention span, and slight incoordination.
Nowhere does it mention drinking makes you stupid. It diminishes your judgement, yes, but 'diminishes' doesn't mean your moral or ethical decision making functions are completely left by the wayside.
In fact drinking makes you more intelligent.
Below are countries listed in order of their alcohol consuption
I have never done this before, I feel kind of stupid emailing a stranger with something that is so personal, but I am in need of some advice.
So I just tell you the problem yeah?
Well I was dating this guy for around 4 months, our relationship had always been challenging since he went to University in Preston which around about a 4 hour drive from where I live, but this only made are relationship stronger and made us realize that even though we were apart are feelings still remained the same.
In November he told me he loved me, I had never said these words to anyone else before so I took my time to say them back so when I did I really did mean them, so early December I told him that I really did love him, this made December a hard month to get through, but he came home and I got to see him again and everything was amazing, we were both swept off are feet seeing each other again and everything was pretty much perfect. We started talking about committing to each other and being in a real relationship but we still needed time.
So New Years eve he went to Bristol with his friends, I had nothing against this since I was out with my friends as well, but never the less I missed him and found that it was having a profound effect on my night, I kept thinking about him and it was really depressing me, so I decided to get so drunk I couldn’t think at all.
This was the first mistake, I got so drunk that when some guy started coming on to me, i had no mind or body strength to push them away, I ended up kissing him and then with everything i had left in me a ran into the girls toilets, i was so upset and heartbroken with what i had done i rang my guy and told him that i had kissed someone, the thing was he had just been bigging me up to all his friends saying how amazing i was and how much he loved me, so not only did i hurt him i embarrassed him in front of his best friends. I tried to tell him i was sorry but my phone battery ran out, when i got home in the morning i had one txt off him saying “i loved you”.
New Year’s Day i told him what had happened but it didn’t change the way he felt, i wrecked him and i could only blame myself and he could only blame me. I did everything i could to try and get him back, did the romantic thing of running all the way to see him waiting in the freezing cold for him but all i got back was a “I don’t trust you”.
So he went back to university and he sent me an email saying that he wanted to hate me but couldn’t he wants to be on his own right now and wants to just be friends for now with me. I found being his friend hard. I had so many feeling for him, speaking to him as a friend hurt.
So a week ago he sent me a txt saying he missed me, and that i was beautiful and he sent a video of two people making up, so this gave me the impression he wanted me back but in the week then he was totally blank with me and awkward. This hurt me so much, i feel like I’m hanging on to something which might have already let me go. So i told him how i felt and he said that he does still have feelings for me but the last memory he has of me was kissing someone and t blurred out all the good memories so he doesn’t want to make me wait for him he told me i should move on, and this is my problem, i can’t let go of him, i can’t move on, but i can’t be his friend and wait around either
What should I do?
Mr Bitter Guy Says:Ah. The old "I got drunk routine". People use that excuse for so many things:" I got drunk and cheated", "I got drunk and said some stupid things", "I got drunk, burnt your house down, slept with your wife and drowned your cat. Ooops."
Really people, getting drunk is not an excuse. William Burroughs once said "drugs don't make you do anything that you wouldn't normally do, they just help you on the way", to paraphrase. And that's something coming from him. (If you don't know who Burroughs is he makes the music industry look like kindergarten as far as drug use is concerned. The man was a walking pin-cushion).
From a medical paper: Generally small amounts of alcohol produce lowered inhibitions, feelings of relaxation, more self confidence, diminished judgement, reduced attention span, and slight incoordination.
Nowhere does it mention drinking makes you stupid. It diminishes your judgement, yes, but 'diminishes' doesn't mean your moral or ethical decision making functions are completely left by the wayside.
In fact drinking makes you more intelligent.
Below are countries listed in order of their alcohol consuption
| Highest alcohol consumption per capita | ||
Alcohol Consumption Rank | Country | Average National IQ |
| 1 | Luxembourg | 101 |
| 2 | Hungary | 99 |
| 3 | Ireland | 93 |
| 4 | Czeck Republic | 97 |
| 5 | Germany | 102 |
| 6 | France | 98 |
| 7 | Portugal | 95 |
| 8 | Spain | 99 |
| 9 | Britain | 100 |
| 10 | Denmark | 98 |
| AVERAGE IQ | 98 | |
| Lowest alcohol consumption per capita | ||
Alcohol Consumption Rank | Country | Average National IQ |
| 23 | Sweden | 101 |
| 24 | Chile | 93 |
| 25 | Venezuela | 88 |
| 26 | South Africa | 72 |
| 27 | Thailand | 91 |
| 28 | Brazil | 87 |
| 29 | Colombia | 88 |
| 30 | China | 100 |
| 31 | Taiwan | 104 |
| 32 | Mexico | 87 |
| AVERAGE IQ | 91 | |
We can clearly see that the countries that consume more alcohol have a higher average IQ -- proof that drinking makes you clever.
You have no excuse!
The Answer Chick Says:
It seems you've learnt your lesson. It's just a shame you had to learn it the way you did. Your boyfriend is going through a lot at the moment and will be very confused. From his point of view he was betrayed by the most important person in his life. It'll take a while for him to understand why and to find a way to deal with it.
The pair of you seemed like you were on the right track to a good solid relationship. It appears that you both care for each other a lot and it would be a shame if this one moment of stupidity would spoil everything. Unfortunately, it may be the case that this one action may well be the end of everything.
If you seriously want to reconcile things with him, you have to understand that what you did was wrong and accept responsibility for your actions. That means you have to win back his trust -- and that will be a long and hard road to travel, but no longer or harder than what he's going through.
When he told you to 'move on' I'd guess that that's his insecurity speaking. It sounds like he wants to be with you, but he's not sure whether you want to be with him. And obviously he's going to find it difficult to trust you.
So this is a bit of a test for you. If you want things to work out, then you have to pass this test. If you want to be with him, then you'll have to prove it to him -- and that'll mean doing things to make him trust in you and to believe in you again. And that may mean doing things you don't want to do.
I'm not saying you have to wait forever, or do things that you are vehemently opposed to -- but reasonable requests from him should be responded to. He needs to know you are his friend, that you do love him and that you want to be with him. And that you're prepared to put out the effort tomake sure it happens. And that New Year was a horrid mistake that you'll never repeat.
You need to rebuild your relationship from the ground up. Take it slowly and understand it from his point of view.
It'll take time, but it can be resolved.
The Answer Chick Says:It seems you've learnt your lesson. It's just a shame you had to learn it the way you did. Your boyfriend is going through a lot at the moment and will be very confused. From his point of view he was betrayed by the most important person in his life. It'll take a while for him to understand why and to find a way to deal with it.
The pair of you seemed like you were on the right track to a good solid relationship. It appears that you both care for each other a lot and it would be a shame if this one moment of stupidity would spoil everything. Unfortunately, it may be the case that this one action may well be the end of everything.
If you seriously want to reconcile things with him, you have to understand that what you did was wrong and accept responsibility for your actions. That means you have to win back his trust -- and that will be a long and hard road to travel, but no longer or harder than what he's going through.
When he told you to 'move on' I'd guess that that's his insecurity speaking. It sounds like he wants to be with you, but he's not sure whether you want to be with him. And obviously he's going to find it difficult to trust you.
So this is a bit of a test for you. If you want things to work out, then you have to pass this test. If you want to be with him, then you'll have to prove it to him -- and that'll mean doing things to make him trust in you and to believe in you again. And that may mean doing things you don't want to do.
I'm not saying you have to wait forever, or do things that you are vehemently opposed to -- but reasonable requests from him should be responded to. He needs to know you are his friend, that you do love him and that you want to be with him. And that you're prepared to put out the effort tomake sure it happens. And that New Year was a horrid mistake that you'll never repeat.
You need to rebuild your relationship from the ground up. Take it slowly and understand it from his point of view.
It'll take time, but it can be resolved.
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